My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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