if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
