he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
