He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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