ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
