Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
