its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
