I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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