I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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