real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
