I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
