Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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