Michael Bay diarrhea
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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