If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
