did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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