i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
