I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
