Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Randomize
