Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
