You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
