You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
