TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
