the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
