the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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