I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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