I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
