I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
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