I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize