You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
