So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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