dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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