between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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