Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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