Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Randomize
