If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
