You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
