Kiss
Puke
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
