everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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