you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
