It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
As shirtless as possible
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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