I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
