i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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