there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Randomize
