why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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