I am in a vortex of obligation.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
