Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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