There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
