I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
