Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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