Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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