6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
