I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
